Sunday, December 30, 2012

A weekend at the Colorado River

You don’t really know your boyfriend’s friends until you spend a couple of nights partying with them, sleeping 20 to a mobile home, and sharing only one bathroom. The only thing I can compare it to is staying in a hostel or staying in one of the old school dorms where you have to walk down the hall to use the bathroom. It was yuck sharing a bathroom, but otherwise the entire weekend was a huge fun adult coed slumber party. I always told myself that I would grow up and go to coed slumber parties and this was my big chance. I am surprised to admit that it was actually pretty fun - the closeness, the lack of space, and the lack of number 2 time wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be and there was a huge backyard to hang out in when it got too crowded in the house.

This was my first time to the river and there are 2 sides to this place. There is the mellow fun side where you and your buddies take your boat out, have some beers, share some jokes, and go wake boarding / surfing, water skiing, or whatever. It’s just a ton of hanging out with each other and having fun. Then there is this sordid, meat market side of the river where people go to check each other out and possibly hook up. If you like big fake boobs, babes in barely there swimwear, and dudes covered in tats – this is your perfect mating grounds. There are docking grounds where people park their boats, get out and troll for singles. It’s like being in a club – lots of people, it’s hot, there is music pumping from everywhere, lots of sluts - except that it’s in the day time and you’re outside. Vegas needs to look into making a club that resembles being at the river – it would be a huge hit. There are a large number of family people here too, but they are overshadowed by the “look at my fake boobs and tats” peeps.  The chicks are hot, but they are all still sporting that dark hair on the bottom / light hair on top zebra / skunk look that was big about 6 years ago. In addition to the 2 toned hair, I noticed that these girls love the mullet hair cut. It’s all huge on top and stringy and choppy on the bottom. How is this hot and stylish? Mullets and skunk stripes together should be banned in both human and animal kingdoms. Some of the swimsuits look like strip club rejects with their sequins and metallic strings and lace overlays. The only redeeming qualities about these girls are that they have great fake tits, they have almost nothing on, and for the most part, they have pretty hot bodies. Hit it and quit it party people!!!

There is this bar / food hangout called the Pirate’s Cove - it’s your basic bar with awful budget food, lots of exposed skin, and great people watching. A water taxi picks you up from your boat docking area and takes you across the river to the bar. You are not allowed to swim across in case some moron that is scoping out bikini babes mows you over and kills you. Don’t come hungry or thirsty on a busy weekend since you will never get served. I guess they only have a teeny kitchen and they can’t serve more than 20 people at a time. We got there shortly after twelve, placed our order, and then 3 hours later we were told that our food was still not ready since the kitchen was backed up. All we ordered was a salad and chicken sandwich. It was ridiculous. This place has only 1 redeeming quality which is all those mullet wearing, implanted chicks like to hang out here with their over tattooed sloppy BFs. This is a great people watching place. I highly recommend this place at least once in your lifetime.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Looking for a Bridesmaid Dress Day 1

I decided that now since my life is so settled down and boring, I would blog about planning a wedding for my best friend, Angela. Step one, at least for me, is looking for a bridesmaid dress that I am going to look hot in and don't have to use as a wash rag afterwards. It's really harder than I thought it was going to be. There are a million sites. A million fabric choices. A million cuts and lengths and styles. It's tremendously overwhelming. It's not like I can just hop into F21 and just grab something off the rack like I used to do for weddings in my twenties. The other bridesmaids would probably not take too kindly at those choices.

I know 2 of the girls - one a teeny tiny powerhouse that would look good in a potato sack and one curvy bombshell that is going to stand out no matter what we put her in and then there are the 2 mystery women. Mystery Meat #1 already said please choose a dark color which leads me to think she is probably conservative or on the heavier side.

The color themes are silver and royal blue. For sure there is no way we are going get to the same exact dress. I am not settling for anything other than strapless, halter or one shouldered and I am not going to fight the others on what they want to wear. Sooooo same color, different dresses and my journey for a new dress begins. Wish me luck.

Angela wants me to be in her wedding!

My best friend Angela just asked me to be in her wedding. It's a great honor. She is my best friend. She is my sister from another mother. She is my confidant, my co-conspirator, the woman I not only look up to, but look to for advice in men, making money, and marketing myself. Sadly, now I have to share her with her soul mate, a soul mate that I not only like, but think is perfect for her. I am excited to be a part of her celebration and happy that I also get to help in the planning of this life altering event.

Friday, February 4, 2011

The First Happy Hour of 2011

Party peeps,

It’s a NEW, AWESOME year and we have a new venue for the happy hour and new friends that will be coming. Whoopty Whoop!

Single ladies, I have added 3 new eligible bachelors from TO (no, not Toronto for you Canadians) to the list.

Pregnant ladies, I’ll be sipping virgin margaritas right alongside you. Just because you have a big belly, doesn’t mean you should stay home. Come out and have as much fun as possible before you are confined to your home by wet, dirty diapers and your crying bundle of love.

Single men, I am still scrambling to meet more single women, but it’s hard because they get the wrong idea when I want to hang out with them all the time.

Married folks or single folks with no baby sitters, please bring your spouse(s) old and new/domestic partners/play dates/kids if you want. There is a playground right outside our new venue.

Men, although you are the bulk of who come to my HH, I am sorry, but the women on the list have complained that the current venue has horrible food and few eligible men to look at. Don’t be disappointed that we are leaving behind Pikey’s – home of the hot women in short, short plaid skirts, but be rejoiced because:

· The new venue has a huge selection of Tequila!
· More tequila = better beer goggles.
· I think this is a win-win for everyone…until the next morning. You may have to attempt the fox trap in some cases.
· But don’t worry, if you need me to, I will pretend to be a psycho girlfriend and make sure that she doesn’t call you back. I am a good friend like that.
· Don’t worry after a couple of HH’s here we can go back to Pikey’s or I will find another place with cute girl servers for you.

Ladies, I have chosen Sabor Cantina, home to HUGE, fruity, & strong margaritas and hip, upscale décor. I am looking out for your interests even though you are the minority vote on my HH invite lists.

· No longer will you be afraid of germs if your cell phone drops on the floor, because the floor is clean!
· No longer will you wonder if you have overdressed because the dress code is hot like you!
· No longer will you be annoyed at touching up your war paint makeup in the bathroom because now there is lots and lots of counter space!
· No longer will you roll your eyes at the men that are walking through the door because you will be too busy keeping your eyes straight from the watermelon margaritas or you can walk next door and go shopping.

Hope to see you there. As always I am willing to be your DD. I will be happy to offer sober, free rides home to anyone that can’t operate heavy machinery, but if you don’t live in the 805 you need to cab it. Feel free to invite anyone that I may have forgotten.

Sabor Cantina is located at the Lakes shopping center, on Thousand Oaks BLVD, next to the TO Civic Arts Center, across the street from Mastro’s and the Toyota Dealership. The closest cross street is Hampshire Rd and Rancho Conejo. There are 2 manmade lakes in the front of this place. If you can’t find it, then maybe drinking and driving should not be on your list of to-do’s.

The Lakes at Thousand Oaks2200 E. Thousand Oaks BlvdThousand Oaks, CA 91362
(805) 497-2457



Sunday, March 14, 2010

Kauai Grill

5520 Kahaku RdPrinceville, HI 96722

This new Jean Georges venue was a big hit with us. Located at the amazing St Regis hotel, Kauai Grill was elegant, had excellent service and delicious food. Opt for the set menu so that you can taste a multitude of dishes for a fraction of the price. Fresh fish was yummy. The lamb was yummy. The ginger ale with fresh ginger was SPICY. The desserts were totally mediocre so you should skip it and order more appetizers like the samosas.

Plantation Gardens Restaurant & Bar

2253 Poipu RdKoloa, HI 96756
(808) 742-2121

This place came highly recommended from many different sources such as Yelp, locals, and magazines and all I can say is that it was highly disappointing. The presentation was awful, boring, and plain – they did not use the plate space well at all. The way the food was placed made the plate look empty and really lackluster. It was like having a date with a super model and you show up to pick her up and she has no makeup on and is wearing a potato sack. The food was worse. There was not one thing that I enjoyed here. We got the sampler which sucked. The sushi was awful. The stir fry was something you could get at a typical Chinese place. The dessert was a mud pie that looked pretty, but tasted bleh. The worst part is that the prices are outrageous for all this mediocrity. Our server was a so cal hater. She said that she used to live in SD and said she couldn’t handle it anymore and had to move back to Kauai. Why the F would you say this to so cal residents? Lame. That must be why she is still waiting tables after graduating college. The ambiance is like eating at someone’s plantation home set in a garden that sounded way better in print than real life.

Gourmet Mediterranean

5-7130 Kuhio HwyHanalei, HI 96714
(808) 826-9875

Location was nice – overlooking the ocean. The atmosphere was warm and cozy. The menu had some decent Mediterranean food that was a tad overpriced, but I guess we are in HI. The spanakopita was excellent. The Greek salads were mediocre. The meat dishes were good. The coconut baklava was different and yummy. There was a singer /guitar player added to the ambiance. Service was excellent and the hummus and pita that came free with the meal was a nice touch.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Merriman’s Restaurant

2829 Ala Kalanikaumaka Street #G-149Koloa, HI
(808) 742-8385

There is a restaurant upstairs and a café downstairs. Both places are good and they both get the bulk of their ingredients from local farms within a 10 mile radius. According to our server 90% of the ingredients are grown on the island. That is amazing. The prices upstairs are a little pricy, but the food is delicious and if you get a window seat, you can see a great sunset over the land behind the restaurant. For sure get the sampler – it was awesome. There were some amazing looking things on it like the calamari and the quesadillas and the tartare. Get the sampler meal – it was worth the money. The soup was decent. I LOVED the goat cheese with the bread and jam. That could have been my entire meal and I would have been in heaven.

Kauai Hotels

St Regis Princeville Resort
5520 Kahaku RoadKauai, HI 96722
(808) 826-9644

If you have money to spare then this is THE place to stay. It just screams money and elegance as soon as you arrive. The service is amazing, the food is foodie quality, the ambiance is MONEY, and the views are surreal. It is just stunning there and if you can’t afford to stay there, then at least stop by and grab a drink and enjoy the sunset or grab dinner at Jean Georges new venue.

Sheraton Kauai Resort
2440 Hoonani RdKauai, HI 96756
(808) 742-1661

Although the scenery here is nice, it’s definitely not luxurious. Located on Poipu beach, there are some great places to catch some rays and play. This is the middle class man’s playground. So if you want to splurge then get one of the ocean view rooms on the beach side of the hotel. Or if you are broke then you can go across the street to the hotel’s garden view rooms which are seriously outdated and are in serious need of renovation. Our room reeked of mildew and there was mold in the grout in the shower. If you opt for no cleanup from housekeeping, they will comp one person’s breakfast. The breakfast buffet was nice and included a sweets area of pastries, French toast, and pancakes; a savory section with potatoes, eggs, and meats; and an Asian section with rice, miso soup and seaweed condiments. It was nice, but so not worth $22 a head unless you can eat like a pig. They offer you a room to clean up in if you have a late checkout. It comes with a shower and that is about it. The room they gave us looked like a CSI crime scene. Someone must have colored their hair in the bathroom because there was dark red splatter all over the shower curtains and shower walls. It was really quite gross.

Flying in Kauai

Birds in Paradise
3666 Kuiloko RdHanapepe, HI 96798
(808) 822-5309

Have you ever wanted to go hang gliding, but were too scared of depending on the air for movement? Well, with the introduction of the motorized hang glider, you don’t have to worry about the wind…except when it’s too strong and throws your glider around. If you like being on a motorcycle, this is just the thrill ride you need. They even let you steer the glider from time to time. You should try to get one of the first 2 flights in the day since those are the ones that go around the Napali coast and Waimea Canyon. Otherwise the other flights just fly around the southern areas and are not that exciting to see. There are lots of over the water time and you’ll see tons of whales jumping out of the water. I can’t tell you how amazing this ride was – being out in an open vehicle was just exhilarating. It was worth every penny and you have to get the photos cd even though it’s $80 extra.

Inter-island Helicopters
3994 Kuiloko RdHanapepe, HI 96716
(808) 335-5567

I felt really safe going with this company because they spend their free time doing search and rescue missions. We did the doors off and it was so exhilarating to be able to fly at 130 mph with the air rushing pass your face. Be careful with your camera though because the strong winds will whip it right out of your hands. Our heli pilot was very informative and nice and was super adventurous. The sights were just amazing. The aerial views of Waimea canyon and the Napali coast were just unbelievable. You will see tons of waterfalls. This is the best way to see all the places that you can’t drive or walk to. It was worth every penny. They also have waterfall landings with lunch, but we didn’t do that.